I’ve been having these very graphic and violent thoughts about murder. I’ve had these thoughts ever since i was about 8. I’ve read about similar stuff, but most people talk about feeling guilt for these thoughts. I don’t feel guilty for thinking about this. It’s something I enjoy. The only thing i’m scared about is going to jail, or not being able to get better at horseback riding. I’ve been looking at shocksites on the internet like bestgore.com to get a feel for what a dead person looks like, and it makes me feel happily strange. I’ve talked to my dad about this, but he doesn’t believe, or he just does nothing. Sometimes he’ll talk about his violent fantasies, and it ends up giving me ideas to kill people with. I’ve already written up a plan to murder a girl in my class, and the only thing stopping me from doing it is that I don’t know where she lives. The councilors at school aren’t helpful and neither is my psychologist. Is this some kind of mental illness I was born with or was I born as some messed up monster. The only reason for writing this is because I needed to get this out, as I’ve been keeping this to myself. I don’t see it as an issue. So far, I’ve been able to keep my ‘bloodlust’ down by fantasizing about violent murder and cannibalism. Aside from my want to kill, I’ve also had a want to kill and eat someone. I don’t feel disgusted by these thoughts, only joy and excitement. I have never really been abused in my life, so I don’t have any real reason for these thoughts I guess. If I told someone, would I be put into a mental institute or some sort of asylum? I’m sorry if this sounds silly and fake, I’ve just had an urge to talk to someone, or anyone about this. Thanks for your time. (From Australia)
I think it is a very brave thing for you to continue to seek treatment and verification for your thoughts and feelings. Your perseverance and judgment about the need to have someone help is an important part of your healing. While it would not be possible for me to offer you a diagnosis of any kind I’ll offer what I think fits with your description. This is more like me responding to a test in graduate school where they would explain a series of symptoms and then ask what sort of things to check and rule out.
The essence of all these is the risk of acting on these thoughts and feelings and images. What is key here is to explain to your psychologist and school counselors that these fantasies have been happening for six years, that you’ve developed a plan to murder a girl in your class. You don’t want to ignore the fact that the ideation can lead to a greater risk—and neither should they.
There is more information here, but what is more important than anything else is your determination and bravery in confronting these thoughts. Please talk to your counselors and psychologist today, and if need be show them this response.