I grew up in a upper middle class family. I was given most things I wanted and all the essential things a child would need. I have a brother who is 25, he has borderline personality disorder. He acted out as a child/teenager, was constantly arguing with my parents and soaked up much of my parents attention. I was given attention in a different way, but rejected any emotionally connection because I saw emotions as negative because my brother/parents were arguing because of my brothers intense emotions.

I have depression, anxiety, and substance abuse disorders. I have had these problems since high school. I now just realize that I have these because of how I was raised. I want to try to maintain a relationship with my parents, but my fiancé does not think I should and believes I should process the emotional neglect away from my family. I believe limited contact with them (seeing them on birthday’s and holidays) is the best way to process the emotional neglect and maintain a relationship with my parents.

My fiancé has a problem with them. She has Complex PTSD from her abusive family growing up. She is obviously sensitive towards a parental figure criticizing her. My father and she have gotten into arguments about how he talks to her and how his lack of emotional understand hurts her.

I am unsure what kind of relationship I should have with my parents because of the emotional neglect they display towards my fiancé and I. I want a relationship with at least my mother and brother, but my girlfriend does not believe I should be seeing them so I can better process the whole situation with them.

I admire the clarity and depth of understanding you bring to the situation. But your family is not likely to be the source of your healing. They seem to still have significant issues, and there is difficulty between your fiancée and your father. Tolerating them from time to time isn’t the same as healing from your childhood experience. You need a different plan.

I would highly recommend group therapy run by a skilled individual. At its core group therapy is a correction of the pathology begun in the family of origin. Healing the issues you are carrying with you from childhood should be the prime objective. Once this has happened you will be in a much better place to decide how to handle your family.

As a child, you needed something they were unable to give. Don’t make the same mistake again. Heal yourself through the group process first,then see where you are at with your parents.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral