Hello. I think I’m going crazy and it scares me. I’ve always had anxiety and phobias and ocd since I was young. I’ve never been properly diagnosed but it’s quite obvious. anyways, my mental health started getting bad when my cousin died. I had a existential crisis it seemed like and thought nothing mattered . I was scared of death. I slowly became a hypocandriac and became obsessive with thinking something was wrong with me. I would search online for hours and hours and cry. Anyways , fast forward to this summer. I was scared I would have a stroke. I was constantly checking websites of teenagers having strokes and think I was having symptoms. And it scared me. I would constantly cry. One night I was really tired and I thought I was gonna have a stroke and I had a panic attack and after I didn’t feel real. Everything felt disconnected and scary. I didn’t know what was wrong. I thought I was dying. I think it was dpdr ? Maybe? It made me bed ridden for 2 months. I didn’t do anything. I would get super overwhelmed. The dpdr made me unable to do anything. Well I somewhat got better and ignored dpdr and such and started getting out again and then boom. It’s back. And now I’m scared of schizophrenia and psychosis ? I’m terrified. I’m so scared and hopeless . I want to feel human and normal again. I miss life. I truly don’t think I could ever get better. And now I question everything about life. I feel so far from reality and everything seems 2D. And I have intrusive thoughts about life constantly . I can literally look at my siblings and be like what even are humans , we are so fragile , what’s the point of living anymore and such. Even looking at roads make me overthink. I cannot control my thoughts. What if I’m on the edge of psychosis ?? It scares me so much I can’t sleep. I often also do things obsessively. It’s bad. I just wanna know what’s wrong with me. I feel so lost and alone and hopeless. I don’t know what else to say. This is all over the place. I want my life back. I wanna know what’s wrong with me. The only time I feel okay is if I’m sleeping or around people doing something… but if I’m alone ; in the car ; etc I feel horrible. Help. Pls. I don’t feel real.
Part of the problem involves the fact that you have had anxiety, phobias and an obsessive-compulsive disorder since you were young. This means that they have gone untreated for many years. That is a shame because they are highly treatable conditions. Had you received help, early on, you may not be experiencing these problems today.
You mentioned that your cousin died. This likely exacerbated your symptoms. It’s not uncommon for a loss to exacerbate already existing symptoms. It may have made you feel further out of control. That could explain why you have become obsessed with your health. This is sometimes referred to as health anxiety. Health anxiety could be a symptom of a somatic disorder or it could simply be a symptom of anxiety disorder. No matter the cause, it requires treatment.
You also mentioned the possibility of depersonalization/derealization disorder. This is a dissociative disorder that can cause a person to experience the feeling of being outside of their body (depersonalization) or the feeling that the external world seems unreal (derealization). The feeling of being disconnected from reality can be unsettling and disorienting.
The best course of action is to consult a mental health professional. That should’ve happened years ago but it’s never too late. It may be best to see both a psychotherapist and a psychiatrist. Some of the best types of therapies for the symptoms you have described include cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR). You might also consider choosing a therapist who is trained in trauma. Sometimes, they are referred to as “trauma-informed” therapists.
Anti-anxiety drugs, and potentially antidepressants, may be helpful in reducing your anxiety symptoms. You might also benefit from a sleeping medication, at least during this very difficult time. What medication may be best for you is something you should discuss with your doctor.
What’s most concerning is your asking the question “what’s the point of living anymore?” It’s easy to feel that way when you’re experiencing so much distress but realize that your symptoms are highly treatable. Consulting a therapist and a psychiatrist is the ideal solution to this problem. They have dealt with people experiencing very similar problems and are trained to know how to help.
Sometimes people don’t seek help because they don’t have money or insurance coverage. In that case, it’s best to start with a Google search to determine if there is a community mental health center available to you. Community mental health centers often provide free or low-cost services. If you are a college student, you might try the student counseling center. They offer free services to students or they can refer you to a provider in the community.
Another consideration is to check with your local university to see if there are any ongoing mental health-oriented studies searching for participants. Participating in studies gives you free access to cutting-edge treatments, and you are usually paid for your time.
I hope that you are able to find the help that you’re looking for. If you cannot keep yourself safe, go immediately to the emergency room or call the crisis team. They will protect you and get you the help that you need. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle