Me and my boyfriend are together for 6 years. I’m 23 and he is 25. From the beginning of our relationship until 2 years ago I have “caught” him lie to me about other women 5-6 times. They were small lies like he didn’t dance with other women at the club when I saw pictures of him dancing with them. And like chatting with another girl when he was at work for about a week or two, and when I accidentally found out he first lied to me for 5 days, then he told me that they were actually chatting. But the conversation was deleted.
And some other lies like that. We had a conversation each time I found out he lied to me and I explained to him that this is hurting my feelings. His responses were that he is sorry, and he won’t do it again and that if he wanted other women he would be with them, not with me.
I had developed some sort of trust issues with him. However, he grew up with his father cheating on his mother and I tried to be patient with him.
When we were 4 years in our relationship (had recently moved to live together and also we don’t hide our phones from each other). One time when I reached for his phone there was an open Instagram account with a random fake name and no picture, but like 30-40 women that he had followed. And these were all women that he liked sexually. There were no messages, however.
We split up then. It was very painful to me. Firstly because he lied do me and secondly because he needs to watch other women’s sexy photos. He apologized like 100 times and felt very bad because he hurt me and we got back together a month later. Since then I developed very serious trust issues to this day. And he isn’t communicating with other women. Until now his job was with men only and he wasn’t around other women.
Recently he started working as a teacher in the school with 70 women colleagues and 5-6 men, half of the women are very young and beautiful. I was and I am very jealous, and I don’t trust him anymore. He again told me that if he wanted to be with other women he wouldn’t be with me.
Recently the younger half of women teachers and only 2-3 men got out clubbing to get to know each other. He insisted going but I wasn’t okay with that and he said he didn’t go because of me, but he wanted to go. However, he told one of his colleagues that he didn’t go just because he hadn’t money. And that’s true. When I found out he told me that these are actually the two reasons he didn’t go and if he had enough money he would have went clubbing with them. That hurt me. I love him and I see that he loves me because he is very caring and he is a good person in general. But I broke up with him. I don’t want to have to compete with other women again and feel so sad and miserable. We talk to each other, he wants us to be together again, I want too, but don’t want to be lied and to flirt with them at work while he is with me.. not even to go out with them. That is hurting me.
Sorry for the long story, I made it as short as possible…
I don’t know what to do. Should I stay with him but insist that he doesn’t communicate with his women colleagues or should i leave him once and for all even though I love him so much and he loves me too…
Thank you! (From Bulgaria)
If I count the number of chances you’ve given him, the number of times he’s betrayed you, the consistent pattern of saying one thing and doing another, it seems like wanting him to be a faithful boyfriend is a long-shot.
The fact that he seems constantly on the prowl for other women and has repeatedly disappointed you to the point where you’ve had to break up with him should be evidence enough that he isn’t ready for a committed relationship.
It seems like you are drawn to his potential rather than his reality. I am sure that he is a good and caring person in general, but don’t be over-influenced by his personality. His character seems what you need to be using as the barometer for your involvement. He has lied several times, wants to go out clubbing rather than be with you, and would have gone had he had enough money. This doesn’t sound like someone who can make the commitment to you, and asking him to do so when he isn’t ready will just set you up for heartache.
My guess is you already know, in spite of the fact that you love him and he loves you, that isn’t enough to overcome his inability to make an honest commitment to you. As difficult as it is to feel sad and miserable to break up with him you deserve to have someone in your life that you can trust and not have to worry about him lying and flirting with others.
Wishing you patience and peace,
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral