From a woman in Canada: I found out that I’m pregnant 2 weeks ago. I’m not ready to have a baby at this point in time, but it’s still something that’s heartbreaking and difficult to bear emotionally. My partner is VERY against having children right now. When I first told my partner that I was pregnant, his response was “please put my mind at ease and tell me you’re not having this baby”. He later said that he overreacted and should have considered my feelings more. My guard went up because I felt that his support was conditional upon whether I chose to abort or not, and still do.
I’m feeling terribly ill. I’m nauseated constantly, I throw up several times a day, I’m exhausted and in pain, I’m unbelievably emotional and sad about having to abort even though I know it’s the right choice – and I’m working two jobs (totalling 60+ hours a week), along with being in the middle of moving. I’m struggling to get through each day.
My partner is not very present. When I discuss how sick I am, he responds with “it will all work out”; or “try to stay positive”; or he will just change the subject. He’s mentioned that it really affects him when people are sad or depressed, so I feel guilty being this way around him, but it’s so difficult not to be.
He will text me that he is here for me, but I don’t actually feel that from him in reality. I’m due to have the procedure tomorrow, and while he agreed to take time off of work to drive me and pick me up, he’s planning to go fishing the next day/overnight. Last night, he brought up that he missed my sex drive, and that he didn’t feel as much affection from me, and wanted the old us back.
He never mentioned wanting to make an effort to reconnect on his end, it all falls on my shoulders. I feel like I have to be the strong one on all accounts. Like it’s up to me to be the old me when reality is, I’m not the old me right now – I’m going through one of the hardest things I’ve ever experienced. When I brought up that I was feeling alone, he said “I feel like we’ve already had this conversation.” I feel heartbroken. Please help.
A: Abortion is rarely an easy choice for women, even when they feel strongly that it is the right choice. It makes sense that you are emotional. Your hormones are adjusting to a pregnancy. You aren’t feeling adequately supported by your partner. Further, just because you believe you are doing the right thing doesn’t mean that you don’t have a right to grieve.
It may be that your boyfriend has difficulty with his own feelings and is therefore avoiding dealing with yours. Or he may be so self-involved that he can’t set aside his own desires and activities to be supportive. It’s certainly worth it to have a conversation to try to figure that out. If he is unwilling or unable to have a serious conversation about it, I suggest you give up on trying to engage him about the abortion. Instead, look to your friends or sympathetic older relatives to give you the support and love you deserve. If you don’t have anyone in your support network you can turn to, then please find a therapist to help see you through this difficult time.
I doubt very much you will entirely return to the “old you” in the wake of this experience. That doesn’t have to be a negative. You may find yourself deepened in an important way. If your boyfriend can’t or won’t step up and truly be with you, it’s instructive. Only you can decide if you want to be in a relationship in which you will feel alone during the inevitable tough times that happen in life.
I wish you well.