I’m 16 now and since I can remember I’ve been avoiding a topic I don’t even know for certain happened. When I was younger I used to get flashbacks of sexual things I was involved in that included another young girl that was around the same age as me. The reason I have avoided talking about it is that it involves homosexuality and I don’t/didn’t feel comfortable talking about it to my family. In one of my flashbacks, I remember getting caught but now whenever the person that participated in the sexual acts gets mentioned, the activities in my flashbacks never get mentioned. I don’t know whether they don’t want to say or that it never happened and it’s just my mind making it up. Growing up, I began to settle with the thought that I was making it up in my head but then around 13/14 I began to remember specifics like how the other person said things like you were born a boy, your just born in the wrong body’ or incidents I woke up in a bed with a naked man. At this time I began questioning if the person I thought I was doing these things with wasn’t even a little girl but an adult man. As you can imagine, I was extremely confused but still managed to dismiss it until recently. It turns out that my family had a couple of family friends who were pedophiles. When I heard this I got a sick feeling and started to question everything again.
Maybe this is a coping mechanism as other traumatic things happened to me as a child. My dad was abusing my mum though I am thankful I was too young to remember much, only the last beating that resulted in them separating and him moving out. It seems like when I was 5 and moved to England from Nigeria, I lost all memories however this could just me from me being young but I remember things from being 5 in England. I am now out as Bisexual, just not to my family and I have had minor/mild body dismorphia in my early teens that has seemed to disappear. Could this all be my mind or is it real.
If you could help me I would be very thankful. Sorry for the rambling or the bad wordings.
Unfortunately, you may never know with certainty whether or not these memories are real. Memories are not always reliable. Unless you receive confirmation from an objective source, you may have to live with the uncertainty of never knowing. This ambiguity is a reality for many people.
Having said that, you should not ignore this issue. It should be discussed in counseling. It can be explored more deeply and more thoroughly in a therapeutic setting. It might assist you with some of the other issues you are currently dealing with now such as the dysmorphia. It wouldn’t hurt. It can only help.
I’m sorry that I cannot give you a more definitive answer to your question. Consider consulting a therapist to gain more insight into what may have happened in the past and how it is affecting you currently. Good luck and please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle